Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm jealous of your bromance
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
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