Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
