Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
