I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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