Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
