why didn't you poke me back
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I have tasted many bathrooms
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
