so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
