You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
