My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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