Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
