I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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