Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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