Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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