I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I supernannyed him into submission
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
