Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
