I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
