Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
