This dress was meant to end up on your floor
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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