Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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