John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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