I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
