my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
