he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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