I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
