Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
