You're my little dorito
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I am midnight drunk by noon
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
