Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
