We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
