Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
