I think I won the penis lottery.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
