Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
