i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
