Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
