Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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