Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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