can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
