My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
