Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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