If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
