I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
