Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
