Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
