My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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