My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
