Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
