All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
