I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
