they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
