Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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