i jhust puked up my retainher.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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