my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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